(Originally posted February 15, 2007)
Good evening, readers!
This past weekend I went on an expedition to the wild northlands of Kentucky. There, I visited the UK law school. During my travels back to Memphis and civilization, I came upon an old, abandoned castle beside the road. Feeling adventurous, I decided to take a look inside this large fortress.
As soon as I set foot inside the great hall, I heard a brutish voice call out, “HALT, Intruder!” I froze. “You should not be here. Follow me — and don’t make any sudden moves,” the guard told me.
I was led into a large room with an old man sitting on a throne. “Hello, young one,” the old man said. “I am Osenwald, King of Kentucky. This entire land was mine before the Americans STOLE it from me. Now I want it back.”
I suggested that perhaps the Kentuckians have a God-given right to rule themselves and that maybe he should give up on his plan. The king looked at me carefully and said, “Nonesense. But I could use a lawyer to aid in my revolution. I will fund your entire legal studies if you will join me in resurrecting the Kentucky Kingdom! Otherwise you will perish in my dungeon.”
Faced with the dilemma of treason against the United States or losing a good scholarship deal, I took the only reasonable course of action. Using my Wing Chun techniques learned in P.E. classes at Rhodes College, I disabled the guard and made a run for the main gate. With arrows whirling past my head, I jumped into my car and sped away back toward good ol’ Tennessee.
There’s no place like home.
Thinking back on recent weeks, I have reached a startling philosophical conclusion lately. You will have more real friends if you loudly tell everyone what you think about pretty much everything. Of course, using this strategy also tends to tick people off.
As one example, consider someone like Osama bin Laden. Now there’s a man who doesn’t really give a damn what anyone thinks about him. And most people don’t think highly of him. But the ones who do like him, seem to like him a lot. The loud people are the ones who care more about friends than they worry about enemies.
The president is another well-known master of this strategy.
So if you’re ever feeling lonely and want to make more friends, just become more opinionated and insensitive. (Make sure that you have funds on hand, tho, to hire additional bodyguards.)
Just a small piece of holiday wisdom from the Drew Blog, where I provide analysis you won’t find anywhere else. Happy Valentine’s Day!
“You ought to visit Kentucky Fried Chicken up there because it’s WAY better in Kentucky”
(2-17-2007, 12:42 pm)