Consider the squirrel

(Originally posted September 10, 2006)

Welcome back, readers.

Lately I was passing through Rhodes campus, and I saw a squirrel. I said to myself, “Wow, Drew, what a fearsome beast that animal is!” Squirrels are actually quite dangerous. Well, ok, that may not be entirely true. But I did once know a man whose arm was torn off by a squirrel when he tried to remove the creature from his closet. Yes, from his closet. In his house. They’re sneaky little monsters.

But yet, with all of his power, the squirrel is afraid of you! Well, mostly. There was this one squirrel yesterday that ran right in front of Paul Thim as he was riding his bicycle near Townsend, and it almost got run over and caused a scene. But that was just an exception. The RULE is that squirrels are afraid. And why are they afraid when they could tear your arm off and destroy you with their razor-sharp teeth? Because they’re cowards.

Yes, you heard me. They’re cowardly little fiends. If a squirrel wanted to, it could probably kill you. I almost don’t feel safe with so many of the little things running around Rhodes. Except that they are afraid.

Look at the flipside. We humans don’t fear squirrels at all! Think of how much of a loser you would be if, when you saw a squirrel, you ran away screaming and shouting out things like “PLEASE DON’T HURT ME MR. SQUIRREL.” After that, you would probably not have any more friends. None at all. Except maybe a few.

The reason we’re not afraid of squirrels is because, even tho they are dangerous little demons, they are not likely to harm us. Their fear is their weakness. It follows logically that we should only fear dangerous things that are likely to harm us.

The great Mark Twain once said, “I’ve seen a heap of trouble in my life, and most of it never came to pass.” It is silly to fear the unlikely. To avoid falling so far down as the lowly squirrel, I resolved to wash my car last night at that cheap, sketchy place where the people hassled me before. Some of the people on Summer Avenue could prove dangerous. But what the heck – so could a freakin’ squirrel.

I was amused this week by the controversy generated by the new Facebook updates. It was funny to see people freak out over a website, as if someone “stalking” them over Facebook were a serious danger.

Moving on to other topics, I saw Snakes on a Plane again. Samuel L. rocks my world. Afterward, the Kappa Sig bus party proved eventful but not terribly exciting. I ran into and hung out with some fun people after the party, tho. On Saturday I competed with the Rhodekill ultimate Frisbee team for the first time ever. We destroyed Ole’ Miss. (I will be too busy to travel with the team next week, tho.)

Come to think of it, after recalling Snakes on a Plane, it just occurred to me that my illustration might been more meaningful if I had talked about snakes being afraid of humans instead of squirrels. But oh well, hindsight is 20-20. I have no regrets.

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