(Originally posted 10-30-2006)
Welcome back, everyone. A strange incident happened this past week. I was returning home from a Halloween party with a guy who lived in my dorm. The guy was named Sasha. But that isn’t the weird part.
We were almost back to Townsend Hall when we came upon a squirrel lying in the path. Now, this squirrel didn’t run away. It was sniffling and Sasha reached down to pick it up. It looked like it was injured, or maybe just ill. Then the squirrel spoke. “Help me, Sasha,” it said. “I am lost from my tribe. I’ll freeze out here in the cold if you don’t help me get back to my homeland.”
At this point, I immediately sensed something was up. “Sasha, I don’t know, man,” I said. “This just doesn’t feel right.” But kind-hearted Sasha couldn’t be swayed. He asked the squirrel which way it needed to be carried to get home. The squirrel said we needed to take it just a little ways into the forest on the east side of campus. So Sasha did. I didn’t want Sasha to go alone so I stayed with him.
As we entered the forbidden forest in the east, a full moon hovered overhead and somewhat illuminated the otherwise dark atmosphere. We walked for about 10 minutes, going deeper into the dark forest. Then Sasha asked if we were almost there. “Just a little farther, Sasha,” the squirrel said. We continued hiking.
After another 20 minutes of walking, Sasha asked if we were almost to the Squirrel’s home yet. “Just a little farther, Sasha. We’re almost there!” said the squirrel. We continued hiking.
After what seemed like an eternity, we came upon a large clearing with a big, dead oak tree in the middle. “My nest is up in that tree,” the squirrel told us. We advanced upon the tree. We got closer, and Sasha placed the injured squirrel on a low-lying branch. We wished the squirrel good luck, turned around, and started to leave. But at that moment we heard the squirrel shout out, “I have brought you our main course, my subjects! Come out of the forest and enjoy the royal feast of Hallow’s Eve!”
At that point we got scared.
A whole herd of squirrels streamed out of the woods all around us. They licked their lips as they glared at us ravenously. Sasha looked at the Squirrel King on the tree branch and said, “But Mr. Squirrel, I helped you.”
“Yes,” said the Squirrel King, his teeth glistening under the full moon, “And now you’re going to help us even more.”
Sasha cried out, “Run for it, Drew! I’ll hold them off!” So I ran. I darted back into the woods and kept running for almost an hour until I made it back to Rhodes. Fortunately, I play a lot of ultimate Frisbee so my legs were used to running. The entire way back, I felt the monstrous little creatures only a step behind me.
The next day, people kept asking me where Sasha was. Sasha isn’t with us anymore, I told them: The squirrels consumed him. But no one believed me.
After this horrendous event last week, I went paintballing with my International Studies class. I tried to forget about the squirrels. It turns out that my professor is like Rambo with paintballs. That made me feel a little safer. Except it was still annoying when he shot me.
Speaking of international studies, however, I’m sure that by now you understand the moral I learned from this story: Trust no one. If even seemingly harmless, cute, and friendly things can turn out to be dangerous, why do so many people around the world tolerate openly voiced threats? Think North Korea and Iran. Maybe a lot of people are just too nice, nice like Sasha. Now that is scary.
In any case, watch out, readers! Until we meet again. Happy Halloween!
“A fine blend of suspense and storytelling. I would definately buy your book of fables, Drew. Just a suggestion about the moral. It’s smart to be careful who you trust and maybe you should only trust a few people, but if you don’t trust anyone, then you’ll end up without anyone you can rely on. Like Ben Folds says ‘If you can’t trust, you can’t be trusted.'”
(11-01-2006, 6:09 pm)
David the Magic Elephant posted,
“Those bastard squirrels! Oh well, we shouldn’t get too upset…Sasha wouldn’t have wanted it that way. I’m glad you did the “smart” thing and saved your self. After all, you’ve gotta look out for number one. I guess you AND Sasha understood who was more important…”
(12-04-2006, 1:18 am)