Suggestions for Bernanke

(Originally posted November 15, 2006)

Welcome back to the Drew Blog, where I provide analysis you won’t find anywhere else.

The other day in macroeconomics, Professor Sturm was discussing inflation. He noted to us that when the government prints more dollars than society demands, each dollar has less value. That means inflation. (Overall prices are determined by the “supply of money.”)

Professor Sturm said that the only way to curb inflation was to cut back on the supply of money, meaning print fewer dollars. But is that REALLY true? After all, I can think up plenty of good ways to increase the DEMAND for money. Then prices would actually go down.

How? First, hire a team of experts to write jokes on all dollar bills. These wouldn’t be your average lame jokes like on fruit roll-ups. We would need some hard-core jokes written by the nation’s finest humorists. And we would have to use a tier system. You couldn’t get the really super jokes from $1 bills. For the really amazing, rock-your-socks-off jokes, a person would need to become rich enough to carry thousands of dollars in cash. Just think: What an incentive to pull yourself out of the gutter!

If you were feeling blue one day, you would look down at the street and find a dollar. Right next to George Washington’s face, you would read about two Mexican detectives investigating a murder:


“How was the guy killed?” asks the first cop.

“With a golf gun.”

“A golf gun, what’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!”

Or better yet: create a COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME out of dollars. Different bills would have different characters on them, and each character would have stats and abilities, kind of like Magic. The best characters would be on the $1000 bills. Instead of finding a dollar on the ground and saying “Yippee I found a dollar, Hoo-ray…,” you would look on the ground and say, “NICE, I found a Zortron! I’ve been searching ALL OVER for this one.”

Congress would obviously have to set the rules for playing the game. And instead of “In God we Trust,” dollars would have the slogan, “Gotta catch ’em all!” Before long, you would see people collecting $1000 bills simply for their inherent value as playing cards. Goodbye inflation!

Professor Sturm was not entirely convinced when I brought up these ideas in class.

In any case, after all the school junk (such as macroeconomics) got done, last week ended fairly well. I went to a techno party at the Kappa Sig house and hung out with various people. John Lentz’s birthday was definitely the highlight, though. Anyway, until next time, readers!


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