The gateway

(Originally posted April 12, 2007)


Good evening, everyone. Lately I have noticed an interesting phenomenon on campus. During the night hours, an eerie red glow emanates from the top window of Rhodes Tower. During the last several weeks I have been investigating the situation further. I guarantee you will be shocked at what I’ve uncovered..



Inside the top room of the tower is…a gateway to hell. But then I guess that’s what I get for enrolling at a PC(USA) school. Several years ago, one student actually snuck into the tower and briefly crossed through the portal to the other side. (This all comes from reliable sources.)




Upon returning to Rhodes, the student began raving wildly about the horrors he had seen. He said it was pretty much exactly like Dante’s Inferno – except that gluttony wasn’t really a sin. According to his wild tale, Carol Casey, Marianne Luther, and other school officials were utilizing the gateway to converse with the devil himself. Soon the demonic hordes would emerge and destroy us all. Eventually, the student’s rants became too much, and the Honor Council had to dispose of him.



The real question, however, is what entity constructed the gateway in the first place. Perhaps the Physics Department could have made a breakthrough in inter-dimensional travel? Oh wait, I think it’s actually the Religious Studies department that has its offices up there. Hmm…



Over the Easter break, the Iranian president decided to forgive our allied sailors. Wasn’t that nice of him? As a holiday gift – “to commemorate Christ’s passing” – Ahmadenijad released the hostages. (Muslims don’t actually believe that Jesus was crucified so I wonder what he was smoking when he said that.)



Last Saturday, I made a trip out to THE MOST AMAZING PLACE EVER: The Disabled American Veterans thrift store! They were having a Day-Before-Easter sale (Half off everything in the store!). So I loaded up on $3.50 sports coats, a new trench coat, and some other things. Best day of my life!



I neglected to attend the lesbian acrobatic show, but from what I hear, they were not very entertaining. I wonder if the Allocations Board might learn a lesson from this.



This next weekend should be exciting. Rites of Spring will be going on, and then the paintball war against the Bio Department resumes! Until next time, readers.


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