The kill list

(Originally posted February 23, 2007)

Welcome back to the Drew Blog.

Recently during the cold weather, I was brushing my teeth in my room, and then I saw this…thing. It was a mosquito. I shouted out, “No, you’re supposed to be dead! How is this even possible?” Then I chased it all around the room until it finally eluded me.

I don’t like those things. They shouldn’t be around in February in my room. Come to think of it, they shouldn’t be around anytime, anywhere.

Then the brilliant idea hit me. Our federal government has it all wrong. What are we doing trying to protect every species? Wouldn’t it be so much better if we just killed some of them? Instead of the Endangered Species List, what we really need is an Extinction List. Animals on this list would actually be sentenced to death.

To communicate the individual citizen’s responsibility to carry out this crusade, we would probably call it the Kill List. If you saw an animal on the Kill List, you would have a legal obligation to put it out of my misery — no questions asked. People violating the law would face stiff prison terms.

Some organisms that would be on the kill list:

Mosquitos

Brown recluses (I know a guy who got bitten by one of these OUTSIDE)

Snakes

All other types of spiders

Stingrays (now it’s payback time!)

Leeches and ticks

Germs

Flies

Of course, certain detractors may protest with naive arguments, such as “All of God’s creatures were made for a purpose.” Yeah, why don’t you go tell that to the Tooth Fairy, n00b. Others may complain that my plan would degrade the delicate ecospheric balance within the food chain and destroy the earth. Hang on, I think I need to go hug a few more trees before I can respond to that one…

Some readers, meanwhile, might legitimately ask, “If you kill all the spiders, what will be left to eat the other annoying bugs?” But the answer to that one seems obvious: Lizards. It might become necessary to create a new lizard-growing industry to output more of them into the wild. But it will be worth it. Think of how much better the world would be with more lizards and frogs and stuff. I’m not sure how that industry would make money so it might need to be government-run. The Department of Lizards or something. It would be a real public service.

Tonight my readers should leave with the following lesson: Some annoyances are just pointless. Do away with them.

At Rhodes, my life has been filled with a good amount of academic junk lately. This weekend I’ll be going to Arkansas for an ultimate Frisbee tournament, though. Should be exciting! Until next week, readers.

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