The Eye Conspiracy

(Originally posted January 21, 2008)

Welcome back, readers. In this edition of the DREW BLOG, I will present my findings on a terrible development which threatens the very foundation of society — the written word. What I have to report may shock you.

Over time, the more observant among us have already noticed a disturbing trend:  Our written language is shrinking. This report may sound bleak, but rest assured that the truth is far worse. What used to be easily readable to the naked eye now requires great concentration. Reading has begun to inflict great strain on the occular organs. Before long, writers will begin to oversimplify their thoughts to retain the attention of their audiences. Indeed, people may give up reading altogether. The increased costs of education, eyeglasses, and clinical insanity will drag down the economy.


Looking below, you will find one popular website. Look closely, and see the large, dark spaces all along the sides of the text. That’s right, there is nothing there. This is no joke.

As you can see, the text of the articles is crammed onto one small area of the screen, barely readable. The rest of the screen is comprised of Hotlinks, advertisements, and BLACKNESS. But the madness does not end with Just look below at one website which has recently made itself available to THE ENTIRE PUBLIC, not just college kids.

As you can see, the sidelines are white this time. Nonetheless, the words are even smaller than the ones in the previous photo. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?

Unfortunately, the internet is not the only place infected by the diabolical intrigue. Just look below at how Microsoft Word has been usurped — a program which comes automatically on EVERY COMPUTER in at least trial-version form (except for crummy Macs). Telling the program to “Zoom” its “View” to 100% results in the following screenshot:

At least forty percent of the screen has been taken over by a blue blankness, even though it serves no purpose at all. You all may not believe this, but I foresee the beginning of a Neverending Story-type phenomenon, where the Nothingness will soon take over our entire written language!

At the present, we can already see the writing crammed into small spaces. What are the effects of such visual manipulation? Strained eyesight is on the rise. Over time, an unwillingness to read will result — because all the writing is too tiny.

Many writers will work to combat this strain by putting fewer words onto a page. As each word gets squeezed by the Nothingness along the sides, you can take up greater space with fewer words. This progression will subvert free thought and eventually our democracy as a whole.

In many cases, insanity develops.

“But Drew,” you may ask, “Who could be behind such an elaborate attack on the free world?” To date, my research points to a number of culprits, all working together to destroy America.

1. Hollywood  — They design movies in such spatial dimensions that DVDs must be released with black space along the top and the bottom of the television screen. This nothingness prepares the public for the imposition of such “arty” perspectives as you found on the Microsoft Word screenshot above!
2. Optometrists — Those beady little jackals stand to make a fortune from this development.
3. The television networks — When people eventually grow discouraged from reading websites, they will have no choice but to turn to the televisions for their news and entertainment.
4. — I think the abnormally tiny font on that website says it all.
5. Radical environmentalists, who wish to cram more print onto fewer physical pages to help save the rainforest
6. Also, I’m pretty sure the space aliens are behind this as well. I have not yet ascertained their precise motives, however.

What can be done to stop the nothingness and the onslaught of teeny tiny font? Sadly, I fear it may already be too late. Write your congressman, and boycott websites that only have too much information crammed into small spaces. Together, perhaps we can prevent the diminishment of the written word.

“But Drew,” you may be wondering, “Maybe you’ve just going blind or insane from reading too many textbooks for college and law school.”

Nonsense. The vast left-wing conspiracy is real. FIGHT THE FUTURE!



HANNAH posted,
“Or it could just be that your computer is more advanced and has a higher screen resolution so it makes things appear smaller.

*smartalecy grin*”
(01-21-2008, 8:16)

I posted,
“Well, that’s one theory”
(01-21-2008, 9:13 pm)


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