(Originally posted October 30, 2007)
Man, I had a pretty wild weekend just recently. It all started at home, where I was pondering the issue of Al Gore getting the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, I know An Inconvenient Truth was a great movie and all, but it really seemed to me like Steven Spielberg was a little more deserving of the prize.
Setting these troubling issues aside, I decided to venture off to a crazy Halloween party. I had a pretty fun time there. At one point while I was getting my groove on at the dance floor, I saw a girl arrive who was wearing a devil costume. She was walking next to a guy who looked like a giant lizard. His costume looked astoundingly real.
I didn’t see the lizardman stick around very long. But soon the girl in the devil costume came over and introduced herself. Her name was Sapphire. The party was kind of winding down by this point, but she and I hung out for a while, and she seemed nice.
A while later, right as I was leaving, Sapphire asked if she could have a ride home. It seemed her dinosaur friend had decided not to stay very long. As much as I dislike doing favors for people, I made an exception in this case. Her place didn’t sound like it was very far out of my way.
It turns out that we drove a little farther than I thought. We were heading northward, and at some point we must have left the Knoxville city limits. We continued driving down a dark, deserted highway. “It’s not much farther,” she said.
Suddenly, a huge ball of light appeared out of nowhere about 300 feet in front of me. I was startled, but I didn’t stop the car until I saw three robed figures standing in the road holding what looked like large weapons. “Drew, you need to stop the car, or these people may hurt you,” Sapphire warned. “I know what’s going on. Trust me.”
We got out of the car, and I could see through the moonlight that these figures all had a reptilian appearance. These were no costumes. Overhead was a glowing saucer-like spaceship about 200 feet in diameter. One of the reptilian soldiers stepped toward me and placed a device on my shoulder. Then we were all teleported up to the ship.
The creatures escorted me out of the transporter room and into the medical section of the ship. Then I was greeted by the same monstrous beast who I had seen at the party earlier.
“So this is the author of the infamous DREW BLOG?” the lizard asked Sapphire. She nodded. “Welcome aboard our ship, Drew,” the creature continued. “We are the Lizard People. We have come here to enlighten you about the true nature of the universe…
“Humans are a virus, Drew. They are constantly destroying this planet. We have come here to help the situation. Many of your people have already sided with us; they call themselves the ‘Philosophers of Peace.’ You have met Sapphire, one such human. There are many others, each of them influencing the world toward our goals.”
The lizardman continued. “Not only do we have human agents throughout your government, but our cloaked ships also hover overhead, invisible to the naked eye. You must join us in the struggle to protect this planet — and the glorious universe — from the human menace.”
I easily saw through this facade, and I exclaimed: “You just want to cripple our economy and our defenses so you can claim the planet for yourselves! Your ‘Philosophers of Peace’ hold little value for human life; they are more like Philsophers of Death!”
“I’m sorry that you do not see things clearly,” replied the lizard man. “Guards, take this human to the Rehabilitation Room. Soon, human, you will see things our way.”
The lizard guards began leading me away, but they stopped for a second as Sapphire came closer to give me one hug. When she got close, I grabbed the pitchfork from her devil’s costume and rammed it into the neck of one of the guards. Everyone was startled, and the stunned guard dropped his weapon right into my hands. I immediately used the ray gun to fire a single blast of blue radiation at one of the other guards. The powerful weapon incinerated two of the soldiers at once.
Bolting away from my captors, I made a mad break for the corridor. “Drew, stop! You can’t fight them. Don’t leave!” cried out Sapphire, stopping me for a second.
“I’m sorry, babe,” I responded. “I just don’t think it would’ve worked out between us.”
As I made my way back toward the ship’s engineering section, where we had teleported into the ship, I noticed a large device embedded in the wall. I wondered if it was the alien cloaking device: If I destroyed it, this spaceship would be visible to the humans on the ground. I fired a devastating blast at the cloaking device, blowing it into a million pieces.
Within half a minute, a human voice came over the ship’s intercom: “This is Captain Blaze of the Tennessee Air National Guard. We see your vessel. You are violating United States air space. Land your spaceship and surrender immediately.”
I jumped onto the ship’s transporter and quickly figured out how to beam myself back to the planet surface. I teleported back to the ground safely. As I jumped into my car, I could see missiles from four F-15s slamming into the alien warship. The American fighter jets made quick work of the lizard ship, although losing one plane in the process to the starship’s devastating weapons.
I drove back home. The whole night, I kept wondering how many more of those things were out there, invisible to the masses.
Akal Singh posted,
“Wow. This is the first thing that I looked at, seeing your myspace or facebook page for the first time. Interesting…”
(11-05-2007, 4:31 pm)