Perry Mason

(Originally posted November 18, 2008)

Today, my Trial Practice class had our fake murder trial (State of Nita v. Mitchell). My partner and I played the prosecution. At the end, the jurors critiqued us, and they told me to “lose the theatrics,” or something idiotic like that. Hah! Half of them (4 out of 8 ) still bought my closing argument, theatrics or not. They called me “Perry Mason,” only not in a good way. But even if I annoyed them, we still managed to pull off a hung jury. Most juries easily acquit Mitchell!



They said the Defense team did “better” than us. Yeah, whatever. Judge by success, not popularity!

Actually, the jurors might have given a 2nd degree murder conviction if the teacher had let them deliberate longer (she hauled them back after 30 minutes). At least, they suggested it in their comments. I’ve never heard of anyone getting a conviction, but we may have come close.

I wanted to be the first group ever to fry that wife-killing scumbag.

Some of my Greatest Hits of the trial? See for yourself:

“Unfortunately, members of the jury, what we had here was a man obsessed with crime – a murder mystery author, incited by jealousy, rage, his own frustration, and repeated failure – a man who eventually transformed himself into one of his own monstrous, murderous, mystery villains!”

“Mr. Mitchell, you say you loved your wife? [“Yes.”] What part did you love more — leeching off her money or threatening her life?”

“The Defendant’s story is absolutely ridiculous. No wonder he was a crummy writer!”

Fortunately, now that my days as a pretend prosecutor are over, I can go back to hating the police and despising the government. Always look on the bright side!

By the way, here’s a really weird video that I’ve held onto for a while without posting. I couldn’t find anything to write about that would be “relevant” to the video. But in honor of those defense-team jackals who kept objecting to my questions as “irrelevant,” here it is. (AND MY QUESTIONS WERE RELEVANT! AND NOT SPECULATIVE!)

Freakin’ Japanese.

Anyway, now that my silly trial is over, maybe I can move on to more important matters — like writing more DREW BLOGs.

By the way, Obama won the election. That sucks.



David posted,
“Hey, did the defendant lawyers ever respond with, “Objection: sarcasm!”?

I think it would be easier to be a defense lawyer. It’s always easier to defend than it is to attack.

I don’t know if electing Obama is worse than McCain. The way I see it is that Obama will sink the nation faster than McCain will, so the nation will rebound more quickly after a quick fall than a slow and painful one. It’s like ripping off a band-aid rather than pulling it off slowly.”
(11-18-2008, 5:22 am)

I posted,
“Interesting argument, but if I remember right, it’s the same argument used by the bad guy in Batman Begins.”
(11-18-2008, 12:15 pm)
Julianna posted,
“Batman begins…..that’s hilarious! Well, bottom line is you can’t expect everyone to like what you do….but at least they weren’t bored. Would you rather be boring….or too dramatic? I think erring on the side of dramatic is a better bet than making people want to slit their wrists rather than continue to be bored to death as your captive audience….b/c juries are literally “captive” audiences…you would definitely have lost if you’d bored them to death.”
(11-18-2008, 12:54 pm)

2 Responses to “Perry Mason”

  1. 1 John September 3, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Could I get more information from you on the “mock/practice” trial that you were involved in here? I am doing something similar and would like to know how you approached this case…

  2. 2 Drew September 4, 2012 at 11:27 am

    If I remember right, the main thing we did was come up with a rather convoluted factual theory to plug up ALL the holes in the prosecution’s case. For example, we said the evidence pointing toward another suspect was probably planted by the defendant, who was a mystery writer and tried to frame someone else. Also, we just made sure to prepare for cross-examination pretty thoroughly (e.g. having lists of the witness’s prior inconsistent statements readily available), had a fun theme, and got theatrical.

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